Can't Find the Words
by Staz
Summary: An alternate ending to the episode Goodbyes.


Disclaimer: I own a slowly diminishing memory… don't think there's much else, but I can't remember. Don't sue.

A/N1: following a re-read of Colie's wonderful story "Sway My Way", I remembered that at the time there was a plan for a whole series of 'without words' stories. This little idea just popped up. Same rules apply – no dialogue at all and no mentioning of names.

A/N2: I know there are countless alternate endings to the episode Goodbyes, this one's mine. Enjoy!

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She stared at his closed door and couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be the last time she'd stand in front of it, coming to visit her best friend.

An insistent voice in her mind kept telling her to walk away. They had said their goodbyes at the office and there wasn't much more to say. Oh, who was she kidding? There were entire books' worth of dialogues to be had between the two of them. They just never managed to actually get the words out.

Swallowing down the nervousness along with the tears she raised her hand to knock.

Within seconds the door swung open and there he was. The tears fought back up her throat and she forced a small smile, hoping to keep them down at least for a while.

He smiled back but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

His eyes held so much sadness. They always had, but she liked to think that when they were together that sadness lessened some. Suddenly she wasn't entirely sure why she was there. Maybe he was with his girlfriend, maybe he wanted to be alone, maybe he didn't want to see her right now.

Already working on an excuse to explain her showing up and promptly walking away, she failed to realize he'd let go of the door and had come to stand right in front of her.

Her troubled mind must have been showing on her face because his smile turned warm and somehow... understanding. Before she knew what was happening he had gathered her to him and held her close.

Her subconsciously held breath was released on a long sigh as she relaxed into his hard form and brought her arms to encircle his waist lightly. With her ear to his chest she was calmed by the reassuring beat of his strong heart. His head came to rest on top of hers as he too unwound against her.

She'd never been in his arms for such a long period of time. Sure, they were best friends – they touched and hugged and there were occasional pecks on the cheek, but they'd never cuddled or just enjoyed the physical presence of the other for no reason. This was a precious, heavenly first.

His smell filled her nostrils and swirled around her mind till it joined former references in a part of her brain clearly labeled 'HIM'.

Then the thoughts started plaguing her again. When would she next get to hold him like this? Smell his unique scent? See the expressions on his face? He was leaving her.

She hugged him close with that thought, her arms squeezing him tightly to her. Miraculously, he returned the gesture and she smiled against him. He would miss her too.

He tried to walk backwards, but realizing she wasn't letting go, put one arm around her shoulders and another around her waist and walked with her back into his apartment. With his leg he kicked the door shut and returned all his attention back to the woman in his arms.

Having her in his arms like this almost made him want to change his decision and beg to keep his former job. Almost. He still felt strongly about finishing that very important chapter of his life like he should have in the first place – of his own accord.

But he would miss her terribly. Much more than he would miss his former girlfriend. How very very sad.

He too couldn't find the words to tell her all he had to say, but thankfully, right now she didn't seem too intent on speaking. Knowing his partner like he did, he was sure the words would come. In torrents. But right now they were both of one mind – enjoying being in each other's arms, filling their reserves in anticipation of a long dreadful drought.

His hand wandered up to her head, his fingers sifting through her hair, letting it fall away from them only to bury them scalp deep again. She had such wonderfully silky hair. Methodically, now with both hands, he studied the contours of her head, memorized the feel of her hair against his skin.

He had never been this way with her. Never allowed the walls to fall so far down. Now it felt like he was memorizing her. His hands in her hair and the sensual massage they administered made her mind go completely blank. She tried not to move, not to breathe too hard, lest he panicked and stopped suddenly. But apparently, their current positions were hindering his exploration because he pushed her back slightly and tilted her head back.

Their eyes met and held, and nothing else registered. His hands were still busily messing with her thoughts, all the while steadily moving forward. She felt his finger trace the outline of her ear but it seemed as though she was an outsider experiencing things from afar as his eyes held her captive.

His other hand then came around up and over her eyes. The last thing she saw before he caressed her eyelids down, was his smile and a telling sparkle in his eyes.

With her eyes closed, the feelings hit her with a double force. His form was maddeningly close to hers, and his warm breath fanned her while his hands were mapping the contours of her face.

Her own breath was becoming erratic; catching in her lungs when he passed a long caress along her cheek bone, and again when he drew the shape of her mouth.

Several times she was sure he would kiss her and held her breath, only to release it at his next touch.

His hands hadn't missed an inch of her facial features and were now moving slowly but surely to her neck with the same meticulous care.

If she hadn't been so floored already, his next move would've made her laugh. He blew gently at her eyes, then waited for understanding to dawn and smiled triumphantly when her eyes fluttered open and slowly focused on him. He was waiting for a sign of approval, some confirmation that though he was the active one, his actions were welcomed.

Failing to take into account the delaying effect of the tremors progressing through her brain, his heart screeched to a stop when she just kept staring at him, no expression other than shock shining through. But then he detected movement – the right corner of her mouth was moving decidedly upwards. Soon she glowed with a warm smile that both eased and sped his heart. It was okay.

His hands, which had fallen from her to twitch at his sides in anticipation, once again made contact with her skin; taking both of hers. He led her to the couch and she willingly followed. She was still unsure of his intentions, but found she didn't really care as long as he kept touching her like he did. She would deal with the heartache and questions later, for now she'd leave her mind in the melted pool that it was.

Once seated he took one of her hands in both of his, and without further ado, resumed his self-appointed mission of tracing every inch of her skin and committing it all to memory. Reverently he traced over her fingers, around her knuckles, along the lines of her palm and up the delicate veins that could be seen through the skin of her wrist.

She watched intently, her gaze moving from his hands to the rest of him. She took in his stature – completely focused on her left arm. On her. He was focusing solely on her.

Halfway up her arm, the vein he was following disappeared. Momentarily lost he looked up to catch her eyes and fell deeper still. She looked about ready to fall right along with him. Her eyes were wide, her lips soft and inviting, he couldn't help but bring his hand back up to them. His thumb moved ever so gently over her bottom lip; barely touching it, then moving to the soft skin beneath it, coming to rest in the valley between her lips and chin.

For the first time since she knocked on his door, her hand reached up, cupping his jaw tenderly. She couldn't wait any longer. Every additional touch added to her internal shuddering and she feared she would soon be one big quivering mess.

Trying to keep the desperation from being too obvious, she pulled him slightly in her direction. Thankfully, the gentle tug was enough to make him move the rest of the way on his own.

He took the kiss just as slowly as the rest of his touches that night; first reveling in the sensation of his lips lightly touching hers – a barely there impression.

As she'd done all evening, she indulged him in his game; letting him lead the way. Her eyes closed of their own violation this time and she felt the pressure of his lips against hers increase.

His tongue explored next, learning the surface taste of her. It was only at this point that he began to feel the first pangs of pain that came with this game he'd started. It was too slow; it wasn't keeping up with the flame that had come to life with the very first touch and was now threatening to burn him alive. He couldn't hold it back anymore. This woman – his partner, his best friend, his kindred spirit, his fantasy, his passion, was making his steel control threaten to break.

He pulled back slightly and searched her face intently. He was leaving, there was no changing that, but he would kill himself before knowingly inflicting pain on her. He wouldn't allow himself more if she didn't want it.

Patiently, he waited as her breathing leveled. Achingly, he followed her tongue gliding over her full lips. Expectantly, he stilled his heart as her eyelids rose, and finally, happily, he returned the smile that he'd longed to see.

Her hand was still at his jaw, his had moved to her neck. There was a shift in the air as her other hand rose to frame his face. Both of her thumbs raised and gently eased his eyes into darkness. It was her turn.

Returning the favor, she felt her heart threatening to choke her. Without his eyes to divert her attention, his face looked different somehow. The lines in his face became more pronounced and he suddenly looked his age. The need to kiss him was growing by the second, as was the need to pull him on top of her and never let him go.

Kissing both of his eyelids, she then touched her nose to his and waited. His blue pools stared at her in awe and she allowed herself a short dip in them before ending the game altogether and starting a whole new one.

Her kiss was full. There was nothing slow about it. It was as if she read his mind and knew the toll that had been taken, then went on to make it all worth it. All thoughts were abandoned as tongues tasted and hands caressed. Somehow he'd managed to drape her against him and she found it was the most comfortable she ever remembered being.

It was he who broke the kiss and gently brought her back to a sitting position next to him. He wanted to make sure they really understood each other. That she knew that he was still leaving in the morning, and yet, that this was no one-time thing. Annoyingly, he still couldn't seem to pick the words out of his considerable vocabulary and string them in a coherent sentence. Looking deep into her eyes he stuck with what had been working so far.

He took her hand, and after delivering a short kiss to the palm, placed it against his heart and held it there. His hand reached up to once again caress her lips and she delighted him in ducking her head and managing to kiss his palm as well. Maybe she really did understand. He then placed his palm to her heart and searched for an answer.

Her smile warmed him, but the simple up and down movement of her head was what did him in. She wanted the same thing. In a wonderful mix of defeat and elation, he gathered her close and held her against him, once again just enjoying the feel of her settled against him.

After a long while, she pushed back to look at him. His warm hand on her thigh was almost enough to chase any and all thought from her mind, but just before she gave into the fire and the burns, an amused expression flitted across her face. This was really the last time she'd see her best friend. Starting tomorrow he would be so much more.

The warmth at her thigh was moving downwards, his open palm creating friction against her jean-clad leg. He lifted it onto his lap, his hand resting on her shoe. Never taking his eyes off of hers, he slipped the shoe off and closed his fingers around the slender curve of her foot.

With a mind of their own, her toes wiggled in his grasp and elicited a warm chuckle from him. Seizing the light moment his fingers walked up her foot and his eyebrow rose suggestively as fingers encountered the barrier of her jeans.

She would've thrown her head back and laughed had she been able to tear her eyes away from his face. Instead she returned the raised brow and added a saucy smile for good measure.

Their moment of fun ended abruptly when her foot settled on his thigh and moved slowly back and forth.

Eyes darkened, breathing ceased and the air crackled.

Of one mind they moved to lie back on the couch. His head descended following hers and at the very second she contacted the cushions, he took her lips in a passionate, breathless kiss.

Just before his mind shut down completely, he allowed himself a sobering thought. He would be leaving in the morning. He would be leaving her a part of his heart.

He pressed his smile in a soft, sweet kiss to the base of her jaw and finished the thought; he would be leaving, but he would be taking a part of her heart with him.

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The End.


End file.
